(I'm Still Awake - Hybrid)
I feel as if a wooden piece, hallowed through the middle, and trapped on a single piece of wire at the mercy of a child's hand. Back and forth, I am turned, circled and dipped. Only to be slammed at the end of each direction into hard reality. And to think, that child has the nerve at play to make the wooden piece go back towards the same destiny, yet just from another angle, experiencing all again.
I am locked within, going to and fro. Yet no direction seems appropriate or fitting. I fear it will all end up the same and repeat itself again. Even if I do things different, stupidity around me does the same. I feel sorry for those who have wronged me. Not sorry for the reason of the wrong or myself, but sorry for the person who could of conceived such a wrong.
I no longer want to be a game, or that of child's play. I turned away from such and grew up young. Only because those around me refused to grow up at all and kept me in their provided roles.
No more, the mirror has been shattered. I once more walk away. The anger within draws me to falter, to become and embrace that streak of unreserved. I don't have anything more to say. I have never in my life heard an excuse of such mustered acting on a sympathy binge. I never...
I feel nothing, no hatred, no contempt. I ponder if I am in shock still from the lingering turn of events, or if I have fallen once again into my cold state of being. My mind does quite well to divert itself throughout the day. At night, before sleep reaches me, everything echoes loud and clear. Repetitively, only bringing what I have worked so hard to box up and forget. The pages, the faces, things said... It is all there, stark naked and so hard. So hard to turn the cheek and wink away into sleep. I fear I am but vulnerable, no matter how I build myself up or how strong I seem or everyone thinks. And the one thing that has made this way, is the one thing that I dread the most. I will not speak its name, or give it fame.
Just know I am more human than I thought. But just the same - indestructible, yet exposed to all sorts. I walk away and say no more. I have nothing to say to you. Maybe in time, as time heals. But for today and from now on, I refuse to be that wooden hallowed out toy for play.
I feel as if a wooden piece, hallowed through the middle, and trapped on a single piece of wire at the mercy of a child's hand. Back and forth, I am turned, circled and dipped. Only to be slammed at the end of each direction into hard reality. And to think, that child has the nerve at play to make the wooden piece go back towards the same destiny, yet just from another angle, experiencing all again.
I am locked within, going to and fro. Yet no direction seems appropriate or fitting. I fear it will all end up the same and repeat itself again. Even if I do things different, stupidity around me does the same. I feel sorry for those who have wronged me. Not sorry for the reason of the wrong or myself, but sorry for the person who could of conceived such a wrong.
I no longer want to be a game, or that of child's play. I turned away from such and grew up young. Only because those around me refused to grow up at all and kept me in their provided roles.
No more, the mirror has been shattered. I once more walk away. The anger within draws me to falter, to become and embrace that streak of unreserved. I don't have anything more to say. I have never in my life heard an excuse of such mustered acting on a sympathy binge. I never...
I feel nothing, no hatred, no contempt. I ponder if I am in shock still from the lingering turn of events, or if I have fallen once again into my cold state of being. My mind does quite well to divert itself throughout the day. At night, before sleep reaches me, everything echoes loud and clear. Repetitively, only bringing what I have worked so hard to box up and forget. The pages, the faces, things said... It is all there, stark naked and so hard. So hard to turn the cheek and wink away into sleep. I fear I am but vulnerable, no matter how I build myself up or how strong I seem or everyone thinks. And the one thing that has made this way, is the one thing that I dread the most. I will not speak its name, or give it fame.
Just know I am more human than I thought. But just the same - indestructible, yet exposed to all sorts. I walk away and say no more. I have nothing to say to you. Maybe in time, as time heals. But for today and from now on, I refuse to be that wooden hallowed out toy for play.
(December 28, 2008)
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